What I Learnt From The Avengers


If I haven’t been blogging regularly, I apologize, it’s only because I’ve been dumbstruck by the awesomeness of this movie.

Okay that’s a lie. I only watched the movie 17 hours ago. However, the past month, I was busy warming up my bed for when Tony Stark needs someplace safe to hide. (*wink wink*)

But that isn’t to say that The Avengers hasn’t changed my outlook on life. Because it has. I’m not your regular superhero fanatic, but I love me a man in a uniform. And here, we have 4 ( plus Scarlett Johansson, who looks good enough for me to vow not to leave the treadmill till my legs keel under me), and this is not counting the superhuman awesomeness that is The Hulk.

You want me to list out the benefits of the movie, you say? Awww shucks, really? I don’t know what to say, I mean, I am so unprepared…      *takes out the blog post she’s been working on for a month and the notes she was busy taking down during the movie*

  1. Having red hair, a skin-tight black leotard and the name Natasha doesn’t necessarily make you a Russian mail-order bride. It also means that you can kick some ass.
  2. Don’t expect Captain America and Black Widow to hook up, even though they had some pretty good action going on in The Nanny Diaries.  ( Ummmm… Spoiler Alert?)
  3. When a big, green man falls out of the sky right into your warehouse, you are not to act alarmed. Just stay calm, and pass The Hulk his shorts.
  4. If I am to ever visit the Big Apple, note that the so-called crime rate means nothing. How can the city possibly be unsafe, what with Spiderman, and now The Avengers, running all around the place?
  5. When Captain America gives orders, you listen. Especially when he goes, “Hulk? Smash.”
  6. If a big, metal caterpillar falls right out of the sky, and attempts to land bang in the middle of Times Square, don’t attempt to evacuate the civilian population or anything. Just keep calm, and wait for The Hulk.
  7. The term “3D” under the title name carries no significance. It doesn’t mean that the arrows that Hawkeye shoots appear to pierce through your very core. It just means that unless you purchase those glasses from the counter after shelling out an unnecessary amount of cash, and view the movie through above mentioned glasses, the movie is going to be as fuzzy as Loki’s brains after The Hulk smashed him around.
  8. Always love The Hulk. ALWAYS.

To sum it up, it looks like I have The Avengers to thank for restoring my ever-changing faith in superheroes.

Now where’s that Justice League of America movie that we’ve all been waiting for?

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Writer’s Block


‘Twas a hot, bloomy night,

The stars all surrendered,

To the force of that gaze,

As I looked up and pondered.

Writing can’t be that hard,

You do it all the time,

Said that little voice in the corners,

Of my flea-bitten mind.

Maybe I could write about robots,

Or pandas that fly,

Maybe about that cow, 

Floating across the sky. 

I Swear I wasn’t dreaming,

But what I saw was true,

If you don’t believe my eyes,

I really did hear a “Mooo!”.

They say that not updating your blog,

Is a way to lose a couple o’ minions,

But writing about floating cows,

Is a way to lose millions.

 

 

 

Yep. I need help.

 

 

The Apocalypse Checklist


Picture Courtesy: http://www.cartoonstock.com

Earthquake???

Looks like the Mayans were right.

Assuming that the world is going to end, here’s the contents of my emergency pack, in case the Apocalypse decides to strike after all.

The Apocalypse Checklist:

#1. Deep Fryer

Well, with all the canned goods we’re going to be consuming, we need some way to swallow it down, don’t we? I say that if we’re gonna die anyway, might as well be out of eating too many deep-fried Twinkies.

#2. F.R.I.E.N.D.S Box Set

I can’t imagine even trying to survive the apocalypse without these guys. We’ve all seen the episode where Joey reveals his Apocalypse kit. I think its safe to say that with them by our side, “Apocalypse, Bring It On!”

#3. Nunchucks

If we run into any survivors, we need to let them know that we’re ninjas. Yeah I know, we could just shoot them out of our way, but you’ve got to admit, this is WAY cooler. Same goes for Ninja Stars, though you may want to practice with both first.

#4. Zombie Apocalypse Kit 

Well, its a real possibility.

They’re coming. Fast.

Purchase your kit here! What I wouldn’t give to own one of these. *sigh*

#5. Twister

We need a fun to play to while away time. And whats better than some jumbled-up fun? Be prepared though- body entanglement can be a serious disadvantage when there’s an emergency.

Guitar Hero works just as well.

#7. Unicorn Posters and Beanie Babies

You know they make you happy. Who cares if people call you a Nancy Boy? I’ve got Mort here, but Mr. Waddles up here works perfectly fine. :3

#8. Me

HA. You knew that was coming. Who else will you ask for helpful tips, apocalypse backpacks, and the occasional funny line?? Modest little me, of course. John Cusack can’t, he’s going to be too busy kicking zombies in the face. Trust me. My dad has the perfect man cave in my basement that he built himself. It has a fridge, beer, a big screen, leather couches, and framed pictures of Unicorns, all ready for use. It can fit about 15 of the most needed people in it. I can also hold onto all of your money for safe keeping. TRUST ME. 😀

Doomsday. 21-12-2012. The countdown begins, folks.


If You Read This, Facebook Will Donate $1 To The Swimming Unicorns Foundation


There was a time when poverty knew no bounds. Children starving, people dying; it was everywhere. And no one could do anything about it. Everyone wanted to help. But if it meant digging into their own pockets? *shudders* The thought of actually spending your money on unknown kids instead of the new Lego Train Station? Oh the horror!

And then came the revolution. I don’t Mark Zuckerberg imagined in his wildest dreams that his website, conceived in an inebriated state, would help the less fortunate. But happen, it did. All of a sudden, it seemed as if the billions of dollars flowing into the Swiss Bank accounts of Facebook were making a trans-Atlantic trip to the villages of Africa. And all this, through a simple “like” button. The idea was novel. Now people everywhere could help the needy, with just a click of the button! No money, no time wasted. However, then another problem arose. How do we get the money from the Facebook safety locker, to the average African child’s Paypal account? ( Yes, poverty-stricken African children have Paypal accounts. You know, to purchase the occasional Star Wars collectible or the latest Bieber album *nods knowingly* ). But of course, everything is possible when there’s love involved. Because that’s what the billion viewers felt when clicking that link. What else could make them sacrifice that little umpteenth of a second to actually click a button? WOW.

So now, the 2 month old baby dying of cancer is saying her first words (“Lady Gaga”), the man who was so thin you could count his ribs now has enough money to buy himself a pair of drumsticks, and has started a one-man human body band ( Lead instrument, you ask? Xylophones on, you guessed it, his Wonder Ribs), and don’t even ask about the boy born with only one eye. Surely out of the thousands of pairs of eyes that viewed his picture, one of them decided to convert itself into bits and bytes and flow through the computer screen to the hospital rooms of Illinois? Who needs money when you have the power of a stranger’s love and mouse-clicking abilities?

The modern world befuddles me. :S

And to all those who really think that by liking that picture, Mark Zuckerberg is suddenly going to decide to delve into his private shares to donate to the poor, just ask yourself, if you don’t have the heart to do anything but feel sympathetic, why would he?

Hence, I encourage you, minions, to donate instead to the Swimming Unicorns Foundation, where we help thousands of Unicorns, swim.

Its true. Really.

Letters From An Angered Soul


Dear CBSE,

Its been twelve years. Twelve unforgettable years. People say we looked good together, some say we looked great. But I think its time to say our adieu’s. From the moment we first met, I should have known this was going to happen. It was inevitable. Sadly, you kept me tied to the chair until I could take you no more. Its time we went our separate ways.

Why is it so hard for you to comprehend that I DON’T care about a Hysteris Loop? Why do you not understand that if I wanted to calculate 3.96547 +0.23123/0.34123-123.343, I would use this handy little device called a calculator? I know you’re old-fashioned, and you seem to think people find that charming. Wake up, they don’t. When they hear “CBSE”, all they picture is a group of old men laughing sadistically while watching the footage from the secret webcams they have planted in every school classroom (YES, I know about the cameras, you sad little person).

I still don’t understand why you wanted me to learn about the negative root of 1. If we were going to talk about things that didn’t exist anyway, why not study about ghosts? Or unicorns that bake cookies? ( they’re real, I swear!) Why do you tell us in the sixth grade that negative roots aren’t real, and then proceed to tell us over the years that not only are they real, but that we have to actually care about them? And as if all this weren’t enough, you felt the need to get in one last jab, by changing the Board question paper pattern. I have come to conclude that life must be exceedingly boring for you, and you must be deriving endless pleasure in knowing that hundreds of thousands of careers and dreams have possibly been sabotaged.

I can’t exactly say we’ve had a good run, but we’ve had a memorable one. Over the years, you have made me cry, scream, and sleep with SL Arora (literally) under me, over me, in all fathomable ways. You have made me want to see RD Sharma hung from a coconut tree (thats my Malu rage coming out). And most of all, you have made me hate Physics with such a burning passion, that I probably will never be able to join a Greek Sorority House, for fear of Alphas and Omegas haunting me. And maybe, just maybe, I’ve come away having learnt a bit.

So here it comes. The big one. I’m sorry it had to end this way. But let me just make it clear: Its not me, its you.

Sincerely,

Frustrated Students all over

* In case you’re wondering what brought this on, I’m happy to inform you that after 12 years of constantly raging over the nonsense that is the Indian educational system, I’m finally done. Can I hear a Hallelujah??? 

To Cut A Long Love Story Short


Do you love chick flicks? Because I do. Call me crazy, call me floozy, but the fact is, chick flicks make you feel good, and they make you feel that maybe, just maybe, there’s hope for you after all. I can’t remember the last time I went a week without crying to Gerard Butler’s lines of lost love to Hillary Swank, laughing at Reese Witherspoon insisting that blondes can wear pink to court, or listen and agree to Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johansson and Drew Barrymore telling the audience, “He’s Just Not That Into You”. But lets come down to the basics. What makes a good chick flick/ rom-com?

#1. The Girl

She’s either

  1. Cute, funny, bubbly, and everything that a guy could ever want, but always fails to see. She’s looking for love, but never finds it, and always ends up with the wrong men.  And somehow, halfway along the movie. she’ll turn out to be a bombshell.
  2.  She’s a bombshell from the start. She’s pretty, smart, successful, and has a swarm of men waiting to pick up and save her used tissue papers as memorabilia. And of course, she has no time for love, what with her busy work life and all.

#2. The Guy

He’s either

  1. A complete douchebag. No money, no job, but somehow always has the bucks to kick down with his douchebag friends with a couple of six-packs.
  2. He has been girl #1’s BFF since childhood. He’s the perfect man, the perfect boyfriend. But he always has eyes for another woman.
  3. He’s George Clooney (no further questions).

Now, we need the story-line. For most other movies, the plot is crucial to whether or not the movie runs at the box office. But when it comes to rom-com’s, rest assured, we can guess what’s going to happen.

STEP 1: Girl and Guy meet

Girl: I hate you. It must be because of how I like to keep things clean, and I can just tell that you’re never clean.

Guy: I hate you more. Maybe its because I’m a male chauvinist who will never be able to take a girl as spunky as you.

Girl: Let’s agree to never see each other again, but then find ourselves a few minutes later running into each other at subway stations, Starbucks, and my Boss’s cabin, always shooting each other looks of hatred, and wishing each other a painful death.

Guy: Agreed!

STEP 2: Girl and Guy are brought together under mysterious circumstances

Case 1: Night out in Vegas

Case 2: Guy get hired at Girl’s workplace. Boss likes Guy more than Girl.

Case 3: Guy and Girl have their minds switched; Guy stuck in Girl’s body, and vice versa (it happens).

STEP 3: The Confrontation

Girl: Soooo…. I’m pregnant/ Looks like you and I are working together/ Look at that ring on my finger!!!

(Cue: Single Ladies playing in the background)

Guy: Right. I’m cool with that. ( Runs to the Grand Canyon) WHAT IN SWEET HELL IS THIS?!

STEP 4: Discoveries and Romantic Bliss

Girl: I was abused as a kid. I never found love. I have a mysterious growth of Acne on my left hip. I like Glee.

Guy: My father never loved me. My jerk-ish attitude is to hide the fact that I have a troubled past. And Oh Em Gee I love Glee too!

Girl: Yay! For the next few minutes, you can start acting like you’re perfect boyfriend material, and I can be the prettiest girl you’ve ever seen!

Guy: Yay for us! Lets fall in lurrvee!!!

STEP 4: The Misunderstanding

Girl: I’m unconditionally, and irrevocably in love with you.

Guy: So, my father doesn’t like you. I only pretended to like you so that I can find out your deepest, darkest secrets and write a magazine article about your cat fetishes. Also, I don’t like Glee that much.

Girl: Get out.

( Enter: The Best Friends)

Girl BFF: Hi! I’ll never get the female lead in movies, so I’m always content playing the chubby, chirpy best friend who always comes second to Girl’s wishes and dreams!

Girl: I can’t believe he would do such a thing!

Girl BFF: Awwww Honeeyyyyy. Don’t you worry. You were too good for him anyway. Lets go get manicures, because that just makes everything better!

Guy BFF: Hi! I’m the Gangsta boy playing the stereotypical black best friend role in an all-caucasian cast. Can I hear a Hallelujah?!

Guy: I can’t believe I was such a douche. Of course, it was expected of me, but can you believe I did that??

Guy BFF: Let it go bro. Now lets go find ourselves a coupla hot latinas! Dayyyumm girl, I don’t see no ring on that finger!

STEP 5: The Realisation

Guy: I have to get her back.

Girl: I suddenly feel the need to pack up my bags and leave to Paris for my new job, which till now was unimportant in comparison to my hunky boy.

Guy: She’s leaving! I HAVE TO GO TO THE AIRPORT!

Guy BFF: You’ll never make it in time, bro.

Guy: Oh no no, my stereotypical Indian Taxi Driver will get me to JFK in no time, with Daler Mehendi playing in the background. Even though the flight leaves in 12 minutes. No biggie.

STEP 5: The Happy Ending

Guy: I need a ticket to the flight to Paris! Immediately!

Hot Airport Lady: I’m sorry sir. We just sold our last ticket to Grandma over there (Grandma waves). Plus, our gates have now closed. Would you like a promotional Twinkie instead?

Guy: No! You don’t understand! The woman I love is about to fly to Paris! And as you know, cell phones and internet and facebook will never help me find her! And once she goes to Paris, she’ll magically find herself in the arms of a French model! You have got to help me!

Hot Airport Lady: Oh of course sir. Regular rules don’t apply to douchebags in love. I’ll just wave off international safety precautions and let you through the barrier gate, trusting that you’re not a terrorist. Just this once. You’re not the first lovestruck boy who’s going to end divorced six months later!

Guy: Oh yay! Thank you! I swear, once I get bored of Girl (which is inevitable), I’ll come back for you!

(Meanwhile, in the flight)

Girl: (checking phone) Oh no no, I’m not checking if he’s called, I’m just checking the time. Never mind that I have a watch. So… Ummm… I guess I’ll switch of my phone now. (sigh).

(Guy enters the cabin)

Guy: Girl!

Girl: Guy!

Guy: I promise to never leave you again! I promise to love you, and care for you, and watch Glee with you, and….

Girl: Oh. stop talking. Come here, lover boy!

Alternative Ending ( In the case of Guy-Girl being childhood BFF’s)

(Girl walks down the aisle)

Guy: Don’t! Girl, don’t! I love you! I’ve loved you all my life, and I love that you love Glee! Come to me!

Girl: Of course! it took a $100,000 dollar wedding dress and 6 bridesmaids to make me realise it! I love you too!

Girl’s Groom: And I probably will have to go back to my sad, lonely life knowing that Girl left me at the altar, and seeing that I paid for this wedding, I’m probably gonna be broke too. But I’m so happy for you!!!

Everyone: CONGA!

Some thoughts to ponder about:

  1. In the first half, how do all the forces of the universe come together to make sure that Guy and Girl, who hate each other, run into each other repeatedly, in varying circumstances?
  2. Why does either (a). The woman have to help the man with his tie, or (b) The man have to help the woman zip up her dress?
  3. In the bedroom scene, the morning after, how is it that the woman has the sheets modestly covering her upto her neck, but the man has the sheets ending at his waistline? Do they manufacture sheets that are smaller on one side??
  4. Why does Ashton Kutcher even exist in Rom-Coms?? He should just stick to Punk’d ( Two and a Half Men was a big no-no as well).

Now, while you think about these life-altering questions, it looks my Popcorn’s done. Here’s to a night of sappy tears and unbreakable promises. Cheers to movie-love!

Operation : Animal Apocalypso


So yesterday, inspired by a link sent by D, I decided to do the google search for “I hate it when”. And this  is what it turned up with:

I mean, we all know google is awesome, but Chinchillas? Eating the universe? That’s absurd, right? Right? Wrong.

When you think about it, the whole idea is ingenious, really. Here are us humans, assuming these animals are cute and harmless, and we’re so much more superior than them. Little do we know that these animals are actually superbeasts controlled by aliens from The Planet. (its existence is so secretive that even “Planet X” is too specific a name.)

So yes, all animals walking the face of this planet are alien-controlled creatures, and slowly but surely, they’re taking over the universe. How many times have we seen cats and dogs come and lie down next to us owners, waiting for us to pet them to their heart’s content? Well, this, my pretties, is their plan of getting us under their control. With every stroke on the neck and kiss on the nose, we unknowingly get buried deeper in their web of deceit.

And the worst part is, we don’t even realise that they’re controlling us, until we’re too obsessed and in love with them. For example, for the past one week, I have had you readers stalk all my codswallop about exams and Kony, when in reality, I could be an alien-controlled tree frog trying to take over your thoughts by inserting quiet subliminal messages into your minds ( the Noah’s Ark post should have been a hint, it did talk about animals a lot).

*cue: weird static alien music*

Hahaha. PSYCH. I’m not really a mind-controlling tree frog.

Or am I??

* And once again, I repeat, I really really like animals, so all the PETA people currently trying to knock down my door can stop now. I just didn’t have much else to blog about, and had to update to keep the readers engaged. This is where the mind control comes into play again.