Do you love chick flicks? Because I do. Call me crazy, call me floozy, but the fact is, chick flicks make you feel good, and they make you feel that maybe, just maybe, there’s hope for you after all. I can’t remember the last time I went a week without crying to Gerard Butler’s lines of lost love to Hillary Swank, laughing at Reese Witherspoon insisting that blondes can wear pink to court, or listen and agree to Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johansson and Drew Barrymore telling the audience, “He’s Just Not That Into You”. But lets come down to the basics. What makes a good chick flick/ rom-com?
#1. The Girl
- Cute, funny, bubbly, and everything that a guy could ever want, but always fails to see. She’s looking for love, but never finds it, and always ends up with the wrong men. And somehow, halfway along the movie. she’ll turn out to be a bombshell.
- She’s a bombshell from the start. She’s pretty, smart, successful, and has a swarm of men waiting to pick up and save her used tissue papers as memorabilia. And of course, she has no time for love, what with her busy work life and all.
#2. The Guy
- A complete douchebag. No money, no job, but somehow always has the bucks to kick down with his douchebag friends with a couple of six-packs.
- He has been girl #1’s BFF since childhood. He’s the perfect man, the perfect boyfriend. But he always has eyes for another woman.
- He’s George Clooney (no further questions).
Now, we need the story-line. For most other movies, the plot is crucial to whether or not the movie runs at the box office. But when it comes to rom-com’s, rest assured, we can guess what’s going to happen.
STEP 1: Girl and Guy meet
Girl: I hate you. It must be because of how I like to keep things clean, and I can just tell that you’re never clean.
Guy: I hate you more. Maybe its because I’m a male chauvinist who will never be able to take a girl as spunky as you.
Girl: Let’s agree to never see each other again, but then find ourselves a few minutes later running into each other at subway stations, Starbucks, and my Boss’s cabin, always shooting each other looks of hatred, and wishing each other a painful death.
STEP 2: Girl and Guy are brought together under mysterious circumstances
Case 1: Night out in Vegas
Case 2: Guy get hired at Girl’s workplace. Boss likes Guy more than Girl.
Case 3: Guy and Girl have their minds switched; Guy stuck in Girl’s body, and vice versa (it happens).
STEP 3: The Confrontation
Girl: Soooo…. I’m pregnant/ Looks like you and I are working together/ Look at that ring on my finger!!!
(Cue: Single Ladies playing in the background)
Guy: Right. I’m cool with that. ( Runs to the Grand Canyon) WHAT IN SWEET HELL IS THIS?!
STEP 4: Discoveries and Romantic Bliss
Girl: I was abused as a kid. I never found love. I have a mysterious growth of Acne on my left hip. I like Glee.
Guy: My father never loved me. My jerk-ish attitude is to hide the fact that I have a troubled past. And Oh Em Gee I love Glee too!
Girl: Yay! For the next few minutes, you can start acting like you’re perfect boyfriend material, and I can be the prettiest girl you’ve ever seen!
Guy: Yay for us! Lets fall in lurrvee!!!
STEP 4: The Misunderstanding
Girl: I’m unconditionally, and irrevocably in love with you.
Guy: So, my father doesn’t like you. I only pretended to like you so that I can find out your deepest, darkest secrets and write a magazine article about your cat fetishes. Also, I don’t like Glee that much.
Girl: Get out.
( Enter: The Best Friends)
Girl BFF: Hi! I’ll never get the female lead in movies, so I’m always content playing the chubby, chirpy best friend who always comes second to Girl’s wishes and dreams!
Girl: I can’t believe he would do such a thing!
Girl BFF: Awwww Honeeyyyyy. Don’t you worry. You were too good for him anyway. Lets go get manicures, because that just makes everything better!
Guy BFF: Hi! I’m the Gangsta boy playing the stereotypical black best friend role in an all-caucasian cast. Can I hear a Hallelujah?!
Guy: I can’t believe I was such a douche. Of course, it was expected of me, but can you believe I did that??
Guy BFF: Let it go bro. Now lets go find ourselves a coupla hot latinas! Dayyyumm girl, I don’t see no ring on that finger!
STEP 5: The Realisation
Guy: I have to get her back.
Girl: I suddenly feel the need to pack up my bags and leave to Paris for my new job, which till now was unimportant in comparison to my hunky boy.
Guy: She’s leaving! I HAVE TO GO TO THE AIRPORT!
Guy BFF: You’ll never make it in time, bro.
Guy: Oh no no, my stereotypical Indian Taxi Driver will get me to JFK in no time, with Daler Mehendi playing in the background. Even though the flight leaves in 12 minutes. No biggie.
STEP 5: The Happy Ending
Guy: I need a ticket to the flight to Paris! Immediately!
Hot Airport Lady: I’m sorry sir. We just sold our last ticket to Grandma over there (Grandma waves). Plus, our gates have now closed. Would you like a promotional Twinkie instead?
Guy: No! You don’t understand! The woman I love is about to fly to Paris! And as you know, cell phones and internet and facebook will never help me find her! And once she goes to Paris, she’ll magically find herself in the arms of a French model! You have got to help me!
Hot Airport Lady: Oh of course sir. Regular rules don’t apply to douchebags in love. I’ll just wave off international safety precautions and let you through the barrier gate, trusting that you’re not a terrorist. Just this once. You’re not the first lovestruck boy who’s going to end divorced six months later!
Guy: Oh yay! Thank you! I swear, once I get bored of Girl (which is inevitable), I’ll come back for you!
(Meanwhile, in the flight)
Girl: (checking phone) Oh no no, I’m not checking if he’s called, I’m just checking the time. Never mind that I have a watch. So… Ummm… I guess I’ll switch of my phone now. (sigh).
(Guy enters the cabin)
Guy: I promise to never leave you again! I promise to love you, and care for you, and watch Glee with you, and….
Girl: Oh. stop talking. Come here, lover boy!
Alternative Ending ( In the case of Guy-Girl being childhood BFF’s)
(Girl walks down the aisle)
Guy: Don’t! Girl, don’t! I love you! I’ve loved you all my life, and I love that you love Glee! Come to me!
Girl: Of course! it took a $100,000 dollar wedding dress and 6 bridesmaids to make me realise it! I love you too!
Girl’s Groom: And I probably will have to go back to my sad, lonely life knowing that Girl left me at the altar, and seeing that I paid for this wedding, I’m probably gonna be broke too. But I’m so happy for you!!!
Some thoughts to ponder about:
- In the first half, how do all the forces of the universe come together to make sure that Guy and Girl, who hate each other, run into each other repeatedly, in varying circumstances?
- Why does either (a). The woman have to help the man with his tie, or (b) The man have to help the woman zip up her dress?
- In the bedroom scene, the morning after, how is it that the woman has the sheets modestly covering her upto her neck, but the man has the sheets ending at his waistline? Do they manufacture sheets that are smaller on one side??
- Why does Ashton Kutcher even exist in Rom-Coms?? He should just stick to Punk’d ( Two and a Half Men was a big no-no as well).
Now, while you think about these life-altering questions, it looks my Popcorn’s done. Here’s to a night of sappy tears and unbreakable promises. Cheers to movie-love!