What I Learnt From The Avengers

If I haven’t been blogging regularly, I apologize, it’s only because I’ve been dumbstruck by the awesomeness of this movie.

Okay that’s a lie. I only watched the movie 17 hours ago. However, the past month, I was busy warming up my bed for when Tony Stark needs someplace safe to hide. (*wink wink*)

But that isn’t to say that The Avengers hasn’t changed my outlook on life. Because it has. I’m not your regular superhero fanatic, but I love me a man in a uniform. And here, we have 4 ( plus Scarlett Johansson, who looks good enough for me to vow not to leave the treadmill till my legs keel under me), and this is not counting the superhuman awesomeness that is The Hulk.

You want me to list out the benefits of the movie, you say? Awww shucks, really? I don’t know what to say, I mean, I am so unprepared…      *takes out the blog post she’s been working on for a month and the notes she was busy taking down during the movie*

1. Having red hair, a skin-tight black leotard and the name Natasha doesn’t necessarily make you a Russian mail-order bride. It also means that you can kick some ass.
2. Don’t expect Captain America and Black Widow to hook up, even though they had some pretty good action going on in The Nanny Diaries.  ( Ummmm… Spoiler Alert?)
3. When a big, green man falls out of the sky right into your warehouse, you are not to act alarmed. Just stay calm, and pass The Hulk his shorts.
4. If I am to ever visit the Big Apple, note that the so-called crime rate means nothing. How can the city possibly be unsafe, what with Spiderman, and now The Avengers, running all around the place?
5. When Captain America gives orders, you listen. Especially when he goes, “Hulk? Smash.”
6. If a big, metal caterpillar falls right out of the sky, and attempts to land bang in the middle of Times Square, don’t attempt to evacuate the civilian population or anything. Just keep calm, and wait for The Hulk.
7. The term “3D” under the title name carries no significance. It doesn’t mean that the arrows that Hawkeye shoots appear to pierce through your very core. It just means that unless you purchase those glasses from the counter after shelling out an unnecessary amount of cash, and view the movie through above mentioned glasses, the movie is going to be as fuzzy as Loki’s brains after The Hulk smashed him around.
8. Always love The Hulk. ALWAYS.

To sum it up, it looks like I have The Avengers to thank for restoring my ever-changing faith in superheroes.

Now where’s that Justice League of America movie that we’ve all been waiting for?

Writer’s Block

‘Twas a hot, bloomy night,

The stars all surrendered,

To the force of that gaze,

As I looked up and pondered.

Writing can’t be that hard,

You do it all the time,

Said that little voice in the corners,

Of my flea-bitten mind.

Maybe I could write about robots,

Or pandas that fly,

Maybe about that cow, 

Floating across the sky. 

I Swear I wasn’t dreaming,

But what I saw was true,

If you don’t believe my eyes,

I really did hear a “Mooo!”.

They say that not updating your blog,

Is a way to lose a couple o’ minions,

But writing about floating cows,

Is a way to lose millions.

 

 

 

Yep. I need help.

 

 

The Apocalypse Checklist

Picture Courtesy: http://www.cartoonstock.com

Earthquake???

Looks like the Mayans were right.

Assuming that the world is going to end, here’s the contents of my emergency pack, in case the Apocalypse decides to strike after all.

The Apocalypse Checklist:

#1. Deep Fryer

Well, with all the canned goods we’re going to be consuming, we need some way to swallow it down, don’t we? I say that if we’re gonna die anyway, might as well be out of eating too many deep-fried Twinkies.

#2. F.R.I.E.N.D.S Box Set

I can’t imagine even trying to survive the apocalypse without these guys. We’ve all seen the episode where Joey reveals his Apocalypse kit. I think its safe to say that with them by our side, “Apocalypse, Bring It On!”

#3. Nunchucks

If we run into any survivors, we need to let them know that we’re ninjas. Yeah I know, we could just shoot them out of our way, but you’ve got to admit, this is WAY cooler. Same goes for Ninja Stars, though you may want to practice with both first.

#4. Zombie Apocalypse Kit 

Well, its a real possibility.

They’re coming. Fast.

Purchase your kit here! What I wouldn’t give to own one of these. *sigh*

#5. Twister

We need a fun to play to while away time. And whats better than some jumbled-up fun? Be prepared though- body entanglement can be a serious disadvantage when there’s an emergency.

Guitar Hero works just as well.

#7. Unicorn Posters and Beanie Babies

You know they make you happy. Who cares if people call you a Nancy Boy? I’ve got Mort here, but Mr. Waddles up here works perfectly fine. :3

#8. Me

HA. You knew that was coming. Who else will you ask for helpful tips, apocalypse backpacks, and the occasional funny line?? Modest little me, of course. John Cusack can’t, he’s going to be too busy kicking zombies in the face. Trust me. My dad has the perfect man cave in my basement that he built himself. It has a fridge, beer, a big screen, leather couches, and framed pictures of Unicorns, all ready for use. It can fit about 15 of the most needed people in it. I can also hold onto all of your money for safe keeping. TRUST ME. 😀

Doomsday. 21-12-2012. The countdown begins, folks.

If You Read This, Facebook Will Donate $1 To The Swimming Unicorns Foundation

There was a time when poverty knew no bounds. Children starving, people dying; it was everywhere. And no one could do anything about it. Everyone wanted to help. But if it meant digging into their own pockets? *shudders* The thought of actually spending your money on unknown kids instead of the new Lego Train Station? Oh the horror!

And then came the revolution. I don’t Mark Zuckerberg imagined in his wildest dreams that his website, conceived in an inebriated state, would help the less fortunate. But happen, it did. All of a sudden, it seemed as if the billions of dollars flowing into the Swiss Bank accounts of Facebook were making a trans-Atlantic trip to the villages of Africa. And all this, through a simple “like” button. The idea was novel. Now people everywhere could help the needy, with just a click of the button! No money, no time wasted. However, then another problem arose. How do we get the money from the Facebook safety locker, to the average African child’s Paypal account? ( Yes, poverty-stricken African children have Paypal accounts. You know, to purchase the occasional Star Wars collectible or the latest Bieber album *nods knowingly* ). But of course, everything is possible when there’s love involved. Because that’s what the billion viewers felt when clicking that link. What else could make them sacrifice that little umpteenth of a second to actually click a button? WOW.

So now, the 2 month old baby dying of cancer is saying her first words (“Lady Gaga”), the man who was so thin you could count his ribs now has enough money to buy himself a pair of drumsticks, and has started a one-man human body band ( Lead instrument, you ask? Xylophones on, you guessed it, his Wonder Ribs), and don’t even ask about the boy born with only one eye. Surely out of the thousands of pairs of eyes that viewed his picture, one of them decided to convert itself into bits and bytes and flow through the computer screen to the hospital rooms of Illinois? Who needs money when you have the power of a stranger’s love and mouse-clicking abilities?

The modern world befuddles me. :S

And to all those who really think that by liking that picture, Mark Zuckerberg is suddenly going to decide to delve into his private shares to donate to the poor, just ask yourself, if you don’t have the heart to do anything but feel sympathetic, why would he?

Hence, I encourage you, minions, to donate instead to the Swimming Unicorns Foundation, where we help thousands of Unicorns, swim.

Its true. Really.

Letters From An Angered Soul

Dear CBSE,

Its been twelve years. Twelve unforgettable years. People say we looked good together, some say we looked great. But I think its time to say our adieu’s. From the moment we first met, I should have known this was going to happen. It was inevitable. Sadly, you kept me tied to the chair until I could take you no more. Its time we went our separate ways.

Why is it so hard for you to comprehend that I DON’T care about a Hysteris Loop? Why do you not understand that if I wanted to calculate 3.96547 +0.23123/0.34123-123.343, I would use this handy little device called a calculator? I know you’re old-fashioned, and you seem to think people find that charming. Wake up, they don’t. When they hear “CBSE”, all they picture is a group of old men laughing sadistically while watching the footage from the secret webcams they have planted in every school classroom (YES, I know about the cameras, you sad little person).

I still don’t understand why you wanted me to learn about the negative root of 1. If we were going to talk about things that didn’t exist anyway, why not study about ghosts? Or unicorns that bake cookies? ( they’re real, I swear!) Why do you tell us in the sixth grade that negative roots aren’t real, and then proceed to tell us over the years that not only are they real, but that we have to actually care about them? And as if all this weren’t enough, you felt the need to get in one last jab, by changing the Board question paper pattern. I have come to conclude that life must be exceedingly boring for you, and you must be deriving endless pleasure in knowing that hundreds of thousands of careers and dreams have possibly been sabotaged.

I can’t exactly say we’ve had a good run, but we’ve had a memorable one. Over the years, you have made me cry, scream, and sleep with SL Arora (literally) under me, over me, in all fathomable ways. You have made me want to see RD Sharma hung from a coconut tree (thats my Malu rage coming out). And most of all, you have made me hate Physics with such a burning passion, that I probably will never be able to join a Greek Sorority House, for fear of Alphas and Omegas haunting me. And maybe, just maybe, I’ve come away having learnt a bit.

So here it comes. The big one. I’m sorry it had to end this way. But let me just make it clear: Its not me, its you.

Sincerely,

Frustrated Students all over

* In case you’re wondering what brought this on, I’m happy to inform you that after 12 years of constantly raging over the nonsense that is the Indian educational system, I’m finally done. Can I hear a Hallelujah???